Written November 17, 2008…
I never could have imagined how much I would learn about myself or my Heavenly Father through such a tiny little person who can’t even talk. God is certainly using Isaiah to continue to refine me…
Ever since our 2nd night in the hospital, I’ve sung “He Knows My Name” to Isaiah at least once almost every day. The simple words of the chorus – “he sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call” – hit me personally a few weeks ago as we sang them in church. I thought of the times that Isaiah has fought sleep so badly that we just had to let him cry a little while. He would sound so desperate and I’m sure he felt like we were ignoring him. Little did he know, we were just in the next room crying ourselves! It wasn’t that we didn’t hear him…or didn’t love him. We simply knew what was best for him – that he needed sleep so badly. I then thought of the times I had layed in my own bed, crying out to God but feeling like my words were hitting the ceiling. Couldn’t He hear me? Wasn’t He listening? Didn’t He love me? Why wouldn’t He answer? Yes, He hears me. Yes, He’s listening. Yes, He loves me deeply. He simply knows what’s best for me – that I needed to walk through the struggle to learn the lessons I couldn’t have otherwise. He is holy, therefore, whatever He brings me is good and right.
No matter how bad the night was, Isaiah starts the next day happy. He squeals, coos, laughs and doesn’t wipe that gummy grin off of his face. He doesn’t dwell on what happened the night before, compare it to nights in the past, or worry about what the new day will be like. He simply starts over. God’s mercies are new for me every morning and I want to begin each day with joy…no matter what my “night” (literally or figuratively) is like.
I think trimming a baby’s fingernails has to be one of my most difficult tasks. His fingers are so tiny and are rarely still, let alone out of his mouth. I tried using my high tech fingernail clippers with the little magnifying glass this morning…and I accidently got some skin…and some blood. I felt so horrible! Though Isaiah cried for a minute, he was smiling again soon after. He didn’t ignore me, get mad at me, or refuse to be around me. It was like he already forgot it even happened. I want to forgive like that.
Walking through trials w/Isaiah has made me adore my husband even more. I’ve seen aspects of his character that have never been magnified like this before. Adam is so incredibly gentle with me, speaking Truth and confronting me when necessary. He holds me, encourages me, and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet even when I feel so low. Most importantly, he consistently helps me fix my eyes on Jesus and loves me like He does. He’s an amazing daddy…and an even better husband.
It’s almost humorous (depends on what time of day it is) how hard Isaiah will fight sleep sometimes. As soon as his eyes start to close, he’ll kick his legs, shake his head, or purposefully spit out his pacifier (he gets some pretty good distance). Fighting sleep and thrashing around at 1 o’clock this morning was not so funny. I was bent over the crib, practically in there on top of him, rubbing his head and quietly whispering: “I’m right here. You’re okay. Just relax. Go to back to sleep. I love you, buddy.” As I watched him start to relax his body, I thought of how often God watches me do that same thing. I run around like a crazy person when all He’s asking me to do is stop and rest. My mind goes a thousand different directions and He simply wants me to “be still and know that He is God.” As I tried to calm Isaiah last night, I was reminded of the passage where God says that He will quiet us with His love. Why do I need to fear or worry? God loves me. He’s in control. I can relax.
Isaiah wants to be with me at all times. He hates being by himself and everything seems to be more enjoyable for him when I’m around. Sometimes he’ll just stare at my face for what seems like hours. For a mommy, that’s the coolest feeling in the world. He doesn’t want to be away from me and no one can calm him down like I can. How much more does my Heavenly Father want me to gaze upon Him? Do I seek to be in His presence at all times? How much more enjoyable would life be if I did? Why do I run to others for comfort, when true peace will only come from Him?
The first thing Isaiah wants to do in the morning is eat. He’s desperate for some nourishment and knows where to get it. The rest of his day would be miserable without it. God’s Word is my food….how can I start my day without digging in? Am I desperate for it? I know that I can’t survive without it and treasure it now more than ever.
I’m in love with my precious baby boy…but he’s not perfect. Like all babies, he was born a sinner. And like all babies, his dependence on us can make him horribly selfish as he lives as though the whole world revolves around him. Having to care for a helpless little baby has made me realize just how selfish my own life can be. When things don’t go the way I want or I can’t have MY desires, God has been gently reminding me that life is certainly not all about me. He’s using Isaiah to strip a little bit of selfishness away from me each day. A mother’s life is certainly a life of sacrifice, but shouldn’t all of our lives be?
Isaiah finds joy in simple things. Pretty much anyone can make him smile and he’s entertained by anything that moves. Even a simple thing like the breeze across his face makes him gasp and giggle. I want to appreciate the simple things and find joy in everything that’s put in front of me.
I could have never imagined how it would feel to love something as much as I love my son. No matter what he does, my heart bursts of love for him. I would do anything for him and want him so badly to be happy. If I, an imperfect mother, can love something that much, how much more must my Heavenly Father love me? Mmm…I’m resting in that thought today.