We finally did it. About a week and a half ago, Isaiah slept in his new room for the first time. It was finally finished and our little boy was crazy excited because it meant that his baby brother was coming soon.
If you read my “Making Room for Hope” post, you know that I was pretty apprehensive about this move. It was a tough night for me. Not only did it bring up grief involving our nursery being empty, but it was also a step in my baby growing up. I never wanted to be one of those moms who are overly sentimental/emotional about milestones rather than being excited for each new phase with my child…but that night I definitely dipped into that category. I realized that I’d never read to him or rock him in his rocking chair again or watch him sleepily walk out of the only room he’s ever had. I was reminded that, Lord willing, he WILL continue to grow. And that my life with him will continue to be a process of letting go. I wondered if this is how my mom feels when she worries about my 25 year old brother or when Adam’s mom misses his voice when he doesn’t call often enough. Do they ever wish their “little boys” could still snuggle up in their laps? I get the feeling that though this struggle of letting go gets easier, it never really goes away.
So…I cried. I had to keep leaving his room and coming back while his Daddy read and prayed with him.
And after he was tucked in, my husband had to hold his mess of a wife while I grieved not only the end of Isaiah’s “baby phase”, but also grieving the baby that I held and had to let go of that dark October day.
That “moving” night, I remembered a photo that a dear friend took of Isaiah and I in his rocking chair last spring. It was taken on our 2nd baby’s due date and because Adam had to be out of town, my friend came over to spend the evening with me. It was a difficult day for me…but what a precious gift to be putting my sweet Isaiah to bed. She snuck in and grabbed this shot…
Isaiah struggled a little to fall asleep his first night in his new big boy room, so I went back in to ease his mind. As I rubbed his back and prayed over him in that big new bed, so many other memorable moments ran through my mind…
How tiny he looked in his crib the first time he napped in it.
The nights Adam and I spent on our knees next to his crib…begging God to relax his little body and allow him to fall asleep. (My post “My Storm” from 2008 explains that struggle.)
…as well as the sound of bouncing mattress springs that announced that his nap was over.
How excited he was to help Daddy switch his crib into a “big boy” bed…
…and how my heart broke the night he struggled giving up his beloved “night-nights” (see “Growing Pains“).
Through each season. Through every phase. My God had been faithful and good…and He continues to be.
Isaiah loves his new room and I’m now enjoying capturing new moments and memories that will stay etched in my mind.
Unless God chooses otherwise, our nursery will only be empty for a few more short weeks. My heart and mind are daily tempted to dwell in fear (and I give in more often than I’d like to admit), but I’m thankful for the prayers of so many on our behalf…as well as the reminders that the same God who walked me through each of those days (and nights) will walk me through the chapters ahead.
And I’m looking forward to moving in.